A Brief Glimmer of Hope

This past week has been a hellish one in terms of my internship.  The yoke of this cross felt especially heavy this week. Mentally, psychologically, and emotionally I was spent.  You see during these 4 weeks I have undergone unprecedented scrutiny.  I have been videotaped, critiqued, put down so much that sometimes I don't even know what is truth anymore.  My mind is racked with doubt, I am growing more and more self conscious, bitter, and angry.  The worst part of this all is the fact that I can't do anything about it.  I can't fight back, all I can do is endure.  But this delicate tango of survival and acceptance isn't working anymore.  I need this to end.  I can't be here anymore.  I need to get out very soon.  I need a divine intervention.

Last night as I was heading to Spirit & Truth (Spirit & Truth is an Eucharist Adoration group which meets weekly) I was besieged by feelings of spiritual dryness.  Because of my difficulties at my internship this I had sort of gone on spiritual strike. This was my way of sticking it to the Lord.  I was very resentful towards the Lord.  I felt abandoned, left alone to be beaten like a piniata.   In a diabolical twist of fate I found that most of my zeal for the Lord had evaporated.  Now instead of looking forward to spending time with the Lord I began to dread it with all of my being.  My well was empty, I had nothing more to give.  The only thing that I could give was my wretched, beaten down self.   But despite my brokenness the Lord spoke...

First off my original plan was to take a little nap in my van before Spirit and Truth began.  However, because it was so hot I was forced to go to the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel since it was the only place with air conditioning.  Begrudgingly I got out of my car and walked into the chapel.  Trust me I did not go there to spend time with the Lord.  I just went there since it was the only place with air conditioning.  As I sat there I prayed briefly and took a nap becoming a "Eucharistic snorer" instead of an "Eucharistic adorer."

Without realizing it the Lord was answering me prayer even while I was sleeping.  The answer of my prayer came through my involvement at Spirit & Truth later that night. My main task last night was to be the emcee for the night's activities. It felt great being up there on that podium; connecting with people.  It felt good being validated for something that I am good at.  This is important since at my internship I am being critiqued constantly.  The ratio for critique is pretty much 9 to 1.  With 9 being the times that I am critiqued and 1 being the times that I am barely complimented.  Worst of all socially I am alone at my internship.  I have no friends, no allies.  It feels pretty much like solitary confinement.  How can I be friends with the very people that are critiquing me? True friendship is on an equal plane,  not a hierarchical one.  

That's why yesterday was so important because it gave me a brief view into the bigger picture of my life.  Yesterday was a merciful glimpse into who I truly am and who I am supposed to become.  Through Christ I am destined for greatness. Nothing, not even a lousy, non paid internship can take that away.  Yesterday, at Spirit & Truth I received a brief glimmer of hope.  There wass a light at the end of the tunnel.


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