Last night as I was heading to Spirit & Truth (Spirit & Truth is an Eucharist Adoration group which meets weekly) I was besieged by feelings of spiritual dryness. Because of my difficulties at my internship this I had sort of gone on spiritual strike. This was my way of sticking it to the Lord. I was very resentful towards the Lord. I felt abandoned, left alone to be beaten like a piniata. In a diabolical twist of fate I found that most of my zeal for the Lord had evaporated. Now instead of looking forward to spending time with the Lord I began to dread it with all of my being. My well was empty, I had nothing more to give. The only thing that I could give was my wretched, beaten down self. But despite my brokenness the Lord spoke...
First off my original plan was to take a little nap in my van before Spirit and Truth began. However, because it was so hot I was forced to go to the Eucharistic Adoration Chapel since it was the only place with air conditioning. Begrudgingly I got out of my car and walked into the chapel. Trust me I did not go there to spend time with the Lord. I just went there since it was the only place with air conditioning. As I sat there I prayed briefly and took a nap becoming a "Eucharistic snorer" instead of an "Eucharistic adorer."
Without realizing it the Lord was answering me prayer even while I was sleeping. The answer of my prayer came through my involvement at Spirit & Truth later that night. My main task last night was to be the emcee for the night's activities. It felt great being up there on that podium; connecting with people. It felt good being validated for something that I am good at. This is important since at my internship I am being critiqued constantly. The ratio for critique is pretty much 9 to 1. With 9 being the times that I am critiqued and 1 being the times that I am barely complimented. Worst of all socially I am alone at my internship. I have no friends, no allies. It feels pretty much like solitary confinement. How can I be friends with the very people that are critiquing me? True friendship is on an equal plane, not a hierarchical one.
That's why yesterday was so important because it gave me a brief view into the bigger picture of my life. Yesterday was a merciful glimpse into who I truly am and who I am supposed to become. Through Christ I am destined for greatness. Nothing, not even a lousy, non paid internship can take that away. Yesterday, at Spirit & Truth I received a brief glimmer of hope. There wass a light at the end of the tunnel.