Trusting when it hurts
“For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved. How long will you set upon a man to shatter him, all of you, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence? For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is in him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.” (Psalm 62: 1-3, 5-7)
Yesterday as I was struggling greatly I came upon this psalm in the middle of evening prayer. This psalm almost immediately lifted my spirit and gave me a new found hope. It is amazing how the Lord continues to minister to us even when we don’t see visibly his hand in our lives. For me these past three weeks have been agonizingly difficult. I have been searching and searching for a job, a new career, a new opportunity to do something different and hopefully lucrative. To date I have been to 5 interviews, I have filled about 10 applications. With each interview it has been the same cycle; I have been elated; deflated, and later on depressed. This emotional roller coaster was taking its toll on me as I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression. I felt useless, utterly spent like I was a nobody. Worse of all I felt that I was letting down my beloved Renee since I was not providing financially. As a man this hit me especially hard since I am biologically wired to provide. I am just aching to get in the arena, to begin hunting, to get my hands dirty. Sitting on the sidelines is a prescription for insanity.
It is my prayer that the Lord give me courage and the perseverance necessary to continue fighting even when I don’t have it in me to fight anymore. One of the few positives that I can gleam from this experience is that it has given me a deeper compassion and a abiding sympathy for those who are unemployed like myself. This restless waiting has given me also a deeper appreciation for the dignity of work. I must keep praying this psalm, even when everything in my being is against it. I must keep fighting, I need to trust, I need to rely on the Lord even more. My life, my wife, my entire mental sanity depends on it. I must continually say these words to myself, “On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.”