Trials: Friend or Foe? Pt. 1
First off I want to thank all of my followers for being patient with me during these past three weeks. These past three weeks has been extremely trying to say the least. One of my greatest sufferings was that I could not write as much as I wanted to. Being a self proclaimed Italian/Slovak loudmouth this was a very bitter pill to swallow. This blog has been my forum for expression, a compelling pulpit which allows me to express myself while simultaneously trying to share my faith through my experiences. So this is why I have not written much in the past three weeks.
It all began about three weeks ago as I met with my internship supervisor. For some strange reason I had a premonition that something ominous was about to happen. As I walked into the office I was greeted by my supervisor and another co worker. My worst fears began to come true, I knew that something terrible was going to happen. Generally it is never a good thing when your boss has another employee sitting next to them. It is sort of like the mafia, you just know when there is another person there you are about to get whacked. I braced myself for this, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear.
My supervisor said that my internship needed to be extended past the June 29th finish date. She based her case on three primary areas: my attendance, poor self reflection skills, and not meeting all of the competencies as was listed by the music therapy board. What made this so strange was the fact that these competencies were so subtle, so difficult to define. The kicker of this all was, that I was being held back partially because I did not know how to self reflect? How was this possible I am a very reflective person by nature. Something sounded to fishy to me. It all seemed like some type of setup.
She told me in no uncertain terms that she did not feel comfortable passing me based because of these reasons. I had a choice either to accept the extension or complete my internship somewhere else. Regardless I did not have real choice expect for choosing between two equally terrible scenarios.
I was aghast and I was shocked. I could not believe what I was hearing. I knew that I had been struggling but never did I think for a second that I was "F" material. I thought maybe that I would get a "B" or at worst "C" but never an "F". The emotions were overwhelming, I wanted to cry, to explode in rage, to run away from the world. It just made no sense to me since my supervisor was reprimanding me for the very characteristics that were my strengths. At that moment I simply did not want to live. It was so cruel, here I was celebrating, counting down the weeks in which I would be completing my internship. I even had a ritual where every Saturday I would cut a piece of measuring tape to signify my end date. I even began searching for jobs, excited about the opportunity to finally begin providing. It was not fair, I had put in the time, tried my best and yet my best was not good enough. It was extremely demoralizing. Worse of all I was angered by the timing of it. Couldn't my supervisor tell me this earlier in the internship to give me enough time to meet those requirements? I was also hurt by the allegations about my attendance. The charge that I was somehow delinquent in this area was not true. Yes it was true that I had been late several times, but the main reason for this was that I had car trouble. What made this even more appalling was that my supervisor did not take into account the many times that I came in earlier, and stayed late.
I went to bed that night with a very heavy heart, I was so angry at God. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and maligned. Why was this happening to me? Why was God doing this to my wife and I? The only consolation that I received came in the next morning when I read these lines from Thomas A Kempis' Imitation of Christ,
It all began about three weeks ago as I met with my internship supervisor. For some strange reason I had a premonition that something ominous was about to happen. As I walked into the office I was greeted by my supervisor and another co worker. My worst fears began to come true, I knew that something terrible was going to happen. Generally it is never a good thing when your boss has another employee sitting next to them. It is sort of like the mafia, you just know when there is another person there you are about to get whacked. I braced myself for this, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear.
My supervisor said that my internship needed to be extended past the June 29th finish date. She based her case on three primary areas: my attendance, poor self reflection skills, and not meeting all of the competencies as was listed by the music therapy board. What made this so strange was the fact that these competencies were so subtle, so difficult to define. The kicker of this all was, that I was being held back partially because I did not know how to self reflect? How was this possible I am a very reflective person by nature. Something sounded to fishy to me. It all seemed like some type of setup.
She told me in no uncertain terms that she did not feel comfortable passing me based because of these reasons. I had a choice either to accept the extension or complete my internship somewhere else. Regardless I did not have real choice expect for choosing between two equally terrible scenarios.
I was aghast and I was shocked. I could not believe what I was hearing. I knew that I had been struggling but never did I think for a second that I was "F" material. I thought maybe that I would get a "B" or at worst "C" but never an "F". The emotions were overwhelming, I wanted to cry, to explode in rage, to run away from the world. It just made no sense to me since my supervisor was reprimanding me for the very characteristics that were my strengths. At that moment I simply did not want to live. It was so cruel, here I was celebrating, counting down the weeks in which I would be completing my internship. I even had a ritual where every Saturday I would cut a piece of measuring tape to signify my end date. I even began searching for jobs, excited about the opportunity to finally begin providing. It was not fair, I had put in the time, tried my best and yet my best was not good enough. It was extremely demoralizing. Worse of all I was angered by the timing of it. Couldn't my supervisor tell me this earlier in the internship to give me enough time to meet those requirements? I was also hurt by the allegations about my attendance. The charge that I was somehow delinquent in this area was not true. Yes it was true that I had been late several times, but the main reason for this was that I had car trouble. What made this even more appalling was that my supervisor did not take into account the many times that I came in earlier, and stayed late.
I went to bed that night with a very heavy heart, I was so angry at God. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and maligned. Why was this happening to me? Why was God doing this to my wife and I? The only consolation that I received came in the next morning when I read these lines from Thomas A Kempis' Imitation of Christ,
" Lord may your holy name be blessed forever, and you have willed to send me this temptation and tribulation. I can not escape it, so I must fly to you for protection. You alone can help me and turn all to my good...Please, dear Lord deliver me, for what can I do and where shall I go without you, wretched sinner that I am? Lord, give me patience this time too...I must bear it-and with patience-until the storm has passed and things grow better." (Chapter 29, Book 3)Even though I did not have answer for all of this it was consoling to know that the Lord would be by my side throughout this ordeal. In the coming days I would need to rely on God's strength and discernment more than ever as I had to decide which path to choose for my internship.
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