Channel Surfing at 3 AM
Ever channel surf at 3 AM? If you haven't I definitely recommend it. The stuff you find at this hour is ludicrous. This is a brief summary of one of these late night surfing sessions. (and yes I took notes) Surf's up!
Channel 27: There he goes again that damned purple dinosaur. I thought that he was effectively killed 2 decades ago in the Robin Williams movie "Death to Smoochy" But there he was again wiggling, nearly falling down after each step singing some cryptic nursery rhymes. The kids look overly gleeful, almost dazed. I'm sorry but these kids look a little off. I guess they're also secretly traumatized by this fuzzy purple throw back to the early 1970's. Have we not evolved in 40 plus years? Didn't "Puff and Stuff" have the exact same concept: humans wearing large headed dinosaur suits dancing around a bunch of way too happy kids? Is there nothing new under the sun? Troubled, I flick the channel...
Channel 62: Not another exercise video! The guy running the video speaks in an thick Brazilian accent and seems to be proud of his perverse, butt burning work out scheme. The video is called appropriately, Brazilian Butt Tuck. The guy literally goes around touching the behinds of all the women in the video while laughing in a sinister tone. I wonder how this guy doesn't get sued. They are dressed really provocatively? Is this soft porn? Butt tuck guy appears to be liking his job, toning the butts of his students. But I don't like it so I flick on...
Channel 65: Another real estate scheme by some toupee wearing 75 year old man. I have seen these
commercials and they are all the same. The commercial first interviews several grateful students, all of them supposedly making 6 figures. I hear the hackneyed formula of working little but making lots of money. All of the people seem to be driving sports cars, living in some mansions somewhere in Florida. One woman even cries that she now has time to spend with her children. I look at the fine print where it states that these results aren't typical. Confirming what I already knew I flick on...
Channel 68: I hear a haunting, familiar tune. It is the terrifying jingle of the hover round. "Go, go go in your hover round..." I knew the jingle would be stuck in my head for hours now. Its catchy dammit. What? Seriously? Are they really featuring granny Gertrude and her 10 or 12 mobile geriatric pals parading around the grand canyon! Nothing can be more deadly then allowing a group of senior citizens, with limited hand eye coordination to drive on top of a larger crater, albeit a majestic one. After laughing a bit I flick on...
Channel 86: I see this prosperity gospel preacher speaking about how Jesus Christ wants to bless me
with wealth. It gets better: the preacher's name is ...... wait for it....wait for it...."Creflo Dollar" Yes Creflo Dollar. When you come out of the womb named Creflo Dollar isn't your fate kinda sealed? You're pretty much either gonna be a pimp or a TV preacher. Sorta like when your mom names you Jeeves. I see nothing but a tuxedo wearing tray carrying servant in your future kid. Better start butler school early. So sad. Time to flick...
Channel 88: Finally a sports commercial. I am deceived however because the commercial then pans to several different athletes talking about animal cruelty. I am against animal cruelty myself but nothing is more annoying then hearing some sanctimonious celebrity preach to me. To top things off Michael Vick speaks at the end. Michael freakin' Vick? Really? One of the worst animal abusers of all time is now the spokesperson for animal cruelty? This is too much. I flick again.....
Channel 89,90,91,92,93,94: I flip through these channels in rapid succession not spending more than 5 seconds on each. I see some hallmark commercial, some weight loss infomercial, a Tyler Perry show, and some tacky Spanish talk show with some overly made up woman accepting a reward. Ah yes, the commercial for the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis. I listen to the myriad side effects but one really sticks out (pun intended) the one that says having an erection can last for more than 5 hours. Wow! After contemplating my manhood for a split second I stop flipping the channels and decide to go to bed. Surf's over.
Channel 62: Not another exercise video! The guy running the video speaks in an thick Brazilian accent and seems to be proud of his perverse, butt burning work out scheme. The video is called appropriately, Brazilian Butt Tuck. The guy literally goes around touching the behinds of all the women in the video while laughing in a sinister tone. I wonder how this guy doesn't get sued. They are dressed really provocatively? Is this soft porn? Butt tuck guy appears to be liking his job, toning the butts of his students. But I don't like it so I flick on...
Channel 65: Another real estate scheme by some toupee wearing 75 year old man. I have seen these
commercials and they are all the same. The commercial first interviews several grateful students, all of them supposedly making 6 figures. I hear the hackneyed formula of working little but making lots of money. All of the people seem to be driving sports cars, living in some mansions somewhere in Florida. One woman even cries that she now has time to spend with her children. I look at the fine print where it states that these results aren't typical. Confirming what I already knew I flick on...
Channel 86: I see this prosperity gospel preacher speaking about how Jesus Christ wants to bless me
Channel 88: Finally a sports commercial. I am deceived however because the commercial then pans to several different athletes talking about animal cruelty. I am against animal cruelty myself but nothing is more annoying then hearing some sanctimonious celebrity preach to me. To top things off Michael Vick speaks at the end. Michael freakin' Vick? Really? One of the worst animal abusers of all time is now the spokesperson for animal cruelty? This is too much. I flick again.....
Channel 89,90,91,92,93,94: I flip through these channels in rapid succession not spending more than 5 seconds on each. I see some hallmark commercial, some weight loss infomercial, a Tyler Perry show, and some tacky Spanish talk show with some overly made up woman accepting a reward. Ah yes, the commercial for the erectile dysfunction drug Cialis. I listen to the myriad side effects but one really sticks out (pun intended) the one that says having an erection can last for more than 5 hours. Wow! After contemplating my manhood for a split second I stop flipping the channels and decide to go to bed. Surf's over.
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